Come Closer

I've always found confession stressful. Mainly it is because I don't know what to say. Have I sinned yes, lied, yes, been angry, yes, had bad thoughts, yes, been lazy, yes, forgetful of prayer, yes, don't fast properly, yes in spades, put off doing the good that I could to endulge myself in some way, yes, been intemperate, self indulgent, and comfort loving, oh goodness yes, yes, and yes. Basically this list of sin types that I haven't done explicitly wouldn't fill a thimble and those that I have would overflow a fifty gallon drum. And since I have not confessed as often as is prudent, roughly about every six to eight weeks, I forget most of what I've done or haven't done except some of the more noticable habitual stuff. Yet I know I've done a lot more than I remember. On top of that what I do remember seems petty, triffling, in ways...you know no big stuff like murder, burglury, or vandalism of public property. In that department I'm pretty much untarnished so far as I know.

But that's really the problem, I think. I read in the Fathers about how they feel responsible for the sins of their neighbor as if they were their own in addition to being horrified and broken before God at their own many short-comings. They genuinely mourn their sins and failings and not only theirs but their neighbor's as if they were theirs. The best I can do is an intellectual acknowlegment that I'm a bad sinner, and a bad sinner with a poor memory for my own sins at that. And while I suppose it is some measure of grace to be able to understand mentally that I am a sinner, that I need a heart of repentance rooted in me far more deeply than it is now, it would be so much better to know really how far short of God's glory I am.

Compared to the saints who wept rivers for their sins, I am a doormat at slaughter house, but I'm blind to it in my heart. And because I cannot really see myself as I am I cannot repent with the depth of heart that I need to see Christ and know Him as He has called for His servants and disciples to be. This I know keeps me from participating in the Divine Liturgy with all my heart, from unbroken prayer and worship. How often do I catch myself counting heads or thinking about how to answer this or that e-mail or forum post, or where would be a good place to eat later, or what do I need to get from the store tomorrow, etc. etc. And then I realize it and bring my mind back to the service...for a little while. But if I saw my sins and mourned for them as I ought, and took my joy only in the comfort of God's Spirit and not of TV land and a soft pillow. Then every word of the Divine Liturgy would burn in my heart and when it came time to approach the Holy Mysteries it would be with fear and trembling along with joy.

And the Lord knows this. He patiently waits for me to begin to do the things I've negelected, to little by little wrestle with those sins like prayerlessness that so easily beset me. He knows I want that repentant heart, that contrite spirit, that eye single upon Christ. Of course I know He knows because He is God and knows everything, but He knows my need personally, and has extended His invitation personally...at least I think He has.

The Fathers warn us about trusting in supposed spiritual experiences when we are novices to the faith or have not yet been purified and taught about the deeper things of Spiritual life as we should. They are decietful, and even if genuine, best kept to oneself lest they be a sumbling block or a source of pride. So perhaps I err to speak further and add to my sin. I don't know for sure, but this seems tame enough, safe enough to share.

The Sunday before Nativity I had something I count as a spiritual experience, though in the scheme of things it may not have been. I had been thinking about all the sorts of things I've just discussed, my genuine lack of worthiness to partake, my careless ways with my spiritual life, wondering what I need to do where to begin to start fixing some of it rather than just regreting it and keeping on without making a substantial change. Now I'm a great believer in the still small voice. I belive that if we pay attention to the world around us we can hear God whispering from time to time. For example once while out walking many years ago a dog ran out of a yard and bit me on the back of the leg. It was unusual, dogs might bark at me, but they seldom bite, and given half a chance we can become friends rather quickly with the aide of a biscuit or two. But this dog bit me, not bad, but enough to notice, and I should have, but I didn't and a little further down the road I encountered a serious temptation that at other times I would have resisted, but this time I didn't. And no sooner than I realized what I had done, I remembered the dog. And it felt a great deal as Balaam might have felt about having ignored his donkey. God was trying to warn me to be sharp, I was being prowled for that night. Well, at the chalice something similar happened...no the priest didn't bite me. Rather, he said, "Come closer."

Now in the natural I was just standing a little to far away for him to safely feed me the Holy Eucharist from the spoon, but those words held a weight for me that went beyond the priest's conscious intent. It spoke to so much that needs addressing in my life...come closer. Do I not pray enough, then come closer. Do I not fast enough, then come closer, do I not keep watch on my thoughts or how I spend my time, then come closer. Where a rebuke was in order, I found instead an invitation. Come closer.

Of course invitations from the Lord are serious things. In Jesus' parables He told of a king who invited his friends to his feast, but one by one they declined to come...I've bought a cow, I've married a wife, that field's not going to harvest itself, maybe next time. Well we know how that parable ends. And this gets close to the root of some of my personal sorrow in all this...I feel sorry for Jesus having to put up with a servant like me. I want to do better more because I don't want His pains and effort over me to be thankless and wasted. Maybe that is some kind of foolish sentiment. I want to succeed in the Christian life, even if just a little not for myself so much as so He will be vindicated in His love for me. I don't want to decline the invitation, nor show up without proper attire. God helping me I want to draw closer to love and honor Him in all of my life.

Now I don't expect anytime soon to be praying for three years day and night on a rock in the forest. like St. Seraphim of Sarov or wandering the deserts for years as did St. Mary of Egypt. That life is still way too high for me. But God helping me, I hope to do better, to be consistant in my times of prayer, to make daily room for the Holy Scriptures in my life as a place of communion, to be moderate in meeting my needs and frugile in my pleasures. The key perhaps is purposfulness, to act on the knowledge that spiritual life is not automatic. It must be husbanded with purpose and tended with vigilence. And when the old habits are relearned and better ones learned new then it is time to redouble one's vigilence, lest it all be spoiled again on some day unawares. This is what I think today as I muse and write. Will tomorrow see godly labor consistant with this desire? Will I get up one more time than I fall down. God helping me.


Anyway, may it please God to not have to chase me down with a bassett or a donkey this time. As Proverbs says and my father used to quote all the time, "a word to the wise is sufficient." Me...wise? Hardly, but by the grace of God, not deaf or altogether dim either. Lord have mercy on this chiefest of sinners.